Balls of Fury -- Hipster Movie Reviews

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Balls of Fury
Director: Robert Ben Garant | Starring: Christopher Walken, George Lopez
Released: 2007 | Runtime: 90m | Rating (out of 5): ½

I think this was supposed to be a comedy. I say "I think" and "supposed to be" because after watching it I drank a gallon and a half of Drano, slit my wrists, flung myself from the roof and then lit the neighbor's cat on fire using my own fresh bile as an accelerant. Are comedies supposed to make you do that?

So I guess Jack Black wasn't available. Thus the bizarre and disturbing-looking Jack Black/Meatloaf clone, Dan Fogler, in the lead role. And I guess there weren't any writers available (during the strike?), as this script was clearly written by retarded monkeys on black tar heroine. How else to explain the complete lack of plot, horrific jokes, awful dialogue and more punches and kicks to the nuts than should be allowed by law. (When in doubt have a little girl hit an adult in the balls--always a crowd pleaser).

To say this movie is a waste of time is to disparage the word "waste." I'm having trouble coming up with many films I hated more; films that tried so very little, went for the cheap gay gag, nut shot, fat dude in tight clothes, and, worst of all, Christopher Walken playing Christopher Walken playing Christopher Walken. I think that was literally the pitch for this movie: it's a movie about ping pong, but we're going to have Christopher Walken play this underground crime lord, who, get this, is kind of gay and wears a kimono and wacky Asian kabuki hair! Ha! Yeah, yeah, we'll get Jack Black in there too as a fat guy obsessed with Def Leppard who used to be a ping pong champ and wants to make a comeback in the underground ping pong league.

This thing is somehow getting worse the more I think about it. With ping pong they've now officially exhausted the jokey sport genre (what with the whole string of awful Will Ferrell, goofy out of shape old guy as athlete movies) so hopefully they'll just move on. Seriously, think about the absolute crap that's been produced using this completely played plot line. Next we'll have Andy Richter as a professional beach volleyball stud (Lump, Set, Spike!), Cedric the Entertainer as an Olympic water polo player (Where My Horse At?) and, of course, Jack Black as an X-Games skateboarder (Whole-Pipe or Skate or Die Laughing). Boooooo! [HBO]