Artisanal -- Mr. Hipster's Booze and Grub Survey

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Artisanal

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Artisanal
R website
2 Park Ave., 212/725-8585

Ah, the Frenchies have it good. They work like 20 hour weeks, usurp credit for other country's military actions and get to sit around eating baguettes while others die to protect them from aggressors. It must be nice. Despite the somewhat aggravating attitude towards killing people and defending themselves (who doesn't like shooting Nazis?), they make some good grub. Artisanal, for instance, is especially good at making cheese. They make the curdled milk of at least four mammals, but we'll get back to that later. The space at this joint is a little bit on the cold side, but is sufficiently decorative to make you hang in there to see what it's all about. I, myself, had the skate with blood oranges, of course. It seems I can't avoid that damn fish these days... because it fuckin' rocks! And it did rock, as did the steak and burgundy sauce. They have these cheesy-poof things that are like the delicious French version of the hush puppy and some cheese fondue that is well worth the 35 point cholesterol spike and possible coronary embolism. And now back to the cheese--the thing that makes this place not only different but fun. There's an entire menu filled with cheese, with commentary on each kind. Things like "earthy and stinky in an unshowered hippy kind of way" and "kind of like a sea turtle shitting in your mouth" and "like a stale fart from grandma." Okay, these weren't the real comments, but there were some pretty funny ones. The fun part is having everyone from your party pick something they think sounds good and then sharing everyone's choices. I must say that most of the ones we got were great, but there was one that honestly tasted like a mildewy sweat sock. So, you lactose intolerant freaks are out of luck, but all of you fat putzes with no reason to care about your hearts rejoice! [MF]

Additional bars/restaurants nearby:
Kips Bay

Other restaurants with similar cuisine:
French/Brasserie/Belgian